Q&A: How Do I Get Him Back?
This time I'm sharing a great question from
It's a question I get all the time from women that points out a common misunderstanding women have about men.
I'm sorry but I need to ask you a
question. I need advice and help. Me and my
ex have been together off and on many times,
recently we just broke up and now he's dating
someone else. (he doesn't know what he wants)
But I know he still has very big feelings for me
and I want advice and help on getting him back.
Even though he's dating someone right now, he
still has feelings for me, and I need help on
getting him back with me and not with her.
Needy and Hopeless
Thanks for writing, your email has about 147
great things here.
Let's look at a few of them...
The first important issue is that you're
ignoring all the important signs your ex is
Men send a ton of silent "signals" that are
out there waiting for women to tune into and
pick up on.
And to learn from.
Some of these signals that men send are indirect
and unintentional - but others men know they're
Please don't be naive.
Realize what's going on here.
If he's dating someone else, you've got to
start moving on.
That's a direct and intentional signal.
He doesn't share your feelings of wanting to
get back together in a committed relationship with
If you challenge this idea, you need to recognize
That he's not in the right place in his life to
share what you want with him.
What you really need for yourself is to find a
healthy way to take some of the focus off of him
and put it back on you and your life.
This doesn't mean you have to go out and date right
now, but you need to take your mind off him.
I know it's hard to do this when you still have
intense feelings for him.
But the simple truth is that you're setting yourself
up for ALL KINDS of pain and disappointment...
Yeah, I've seen couples get back together
like this - but the odds are things don't look
good for this old relationship.
The more you can distance yourself from your ex
whose dating another woman, the happier you'll be.
And I know doing this is tough, but you've got to
do it if you're going to find your way to a new and
improved situation - with or without him.
Here's something else critical going on for you...
You're making a lot of assumptions about HIS
feelings when you say "he has very strong feelings
Do the math.
You know he's dating someone else.
By thinking about how you believe he FEELS inside
is only keeping you stuck on him and your beliefs
about the good person he can be and how great things
COULD be together.
Let me put it another way-
What are his actions and behaviors saying?
If you listen to the signals your ex is sending
you, you'll see that his "feelings" he shares are just
his way of holding onto you for his own comfort and
Why wouldn't he want to keep you around if he's
"unavailable" to really commit - because being
with the other woman and still being connected to you
keeps him from being fully involved in any real situation
with either of you.
He's already dating another woman.
That should give you a clear idea of where his
mind is at (not focused on getting back with you) and
what his "feelings" TRULY are.
Here's what I want you to do first and foremost...
Think about making some decisions for YOURSELF.
Right now it sounds like your waiting for him to
make all the decisions.
Think about what YOU WANT to be happy, and remember
all the things your ex has done and said to let you
know he's not committed to sharing his love with you.
If you give him and yourself some space, a funny
thing might happen you won't expect...
Your ex-boyfriend won't have the comfort of two
women who both want his affection.
He won't know that you're still there waiting for
him - and this will trigger thoughts and actions in him
that will ultimately help resolve your situation.
For your own well-being, it's important you
let him know he can't keep sharing his intimate
feelings with you while he's dating another woman.
HERE'S A RULE YOU NEED TO REMEMBER:
Never allow men who have "someone else" in their
life to keep sharing and expressing their feelings
It's wrong on several levels... for you most of all.
When a man can have the affection of two women,
and he's in a place where he's emotionally
non-committed to either, odds are he will try to
keep this situation going for as long as possible!
Not all men would do this, but men who are
"unavailable", as it sounds your ex is, can continue
multiple intimate situations at once.
You don't want to date a man that's in this place
in his life... and I know because I've been this guy
in my past!
NO AMOUNT of talking, experience or reasoning with
him can get him to feel the way you want him to feel.
You can't change a man's emotional depth and where
he's at in his life.
"Getting him back" is a bad idea.
Rarely does this give you what you think you want.
It's a losing battle, and you're going to end up
being hurt or upset again as you undoubtedly keep
moving farther and farther away from what YOU ideally
want and closer and closer to whatever strange and
unhealthy situation he's creating.
If you feel like you HAVE to see this through, then
be careful. You're going against the odds.
Don't be "that girl".
And I promise that you'll ruin your chances if
you think you can "convince" him to come back to you
through shows of affection, appeals to his desires
or other "gifts" to bribe him.
I've watched this EXACT thing unfold so many times.
IT DOESN'T WORK!
Instead, you should think about the times you've
broken up and the times you've seen that he wasn't
personally ready for a relationship.
Those things are as real as the strong feelings
and emotions you feel that keeps you coming back.
Use the issues and challenges you had together
as a guide or a reminder of what's keeping you two
And once you start doing this, I think you're
going to be strangely surprised at what starts to
happen for you...
Once your guy notices that he doesn't have you
waiting around for him like a puppy dog to figure
it out, while he's off doing god knows what with
other women, there's going to be a big change in
his attitude and behavior.
It doesn't make "sense", but that's how it WORKS.
THE CRITICAL SKILLS OF UNDERSTANDING MEN'S SIGNALS AND
IDENTIFYING GOOD MEN FROM "UNAVAILABLE TOADS"...
You've got to learn to understand and identify
"EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE" men.
If a man doesn't know what he wants, he generally
doesn't want what he's got.
This may sound harsh, but it's the truth of the
situation. And even when it isn't completely true, it's
a good rule to go by.
A good man who is the right person and wants to be
with you will find his own way to his "Emotional Truth".
If his truth is that he wants to be with you, or not
be with you, you have to respect that.
But I see women do it all the time.
The guy will be sending all kinds of subtle
(or even direct) signs that he's not "available" or
interested in something "serious", but the woman ignores
them and just pays attention to the fact that he likes
being with her when they're together.
In other words, she substitutes the physical connection,
or even the occasional emotional connection, for the
real relationship she wants to be in.
Men have a different "love equation" from women:
A strong connection does NOT necessarily equal any
interest in a relationship.
That's why it's CRITICAL that women learn to read
the signals that a man sends about where he's at.
Because he's surely not going to just lay it all out
there for you.
If he does, write me an email, tell me all about it,
and give me his mailing address so I can send him his
When a guy isn't interested in a relationship,
and he's doing something like seeing other women, here's
what most women start doing that makes things go from
bad to worse...
They start trying to "fix" things, and "fix" the guy.
And then comes the "convincing" behavior, trying to
convince the man that they are the right one for him,
and that because they have such a great connection, a
loving "relationship" is the only right way to go.
I know, it sounds bizarre.
Why would a man have a great woman and a great
connection with her that felt amazing when they were
together, and not want a relationship?
I'll get to that later...
The thing I'm worried about here for you is that
in trying to get your guy back, you're making these
mistakes that are like "man-repellent".
So I'll say it again.
You can't convince a man to want to be with you.
I don't know the specifics surrounding your
off-and-on with the ex, but it speaks volumes.
Especially when it's combined with him not "knowing
what he wants".
This is CLASSIC man-speak for "I'm not emotionally
available and I'm not ready for a real relationship".
When he can't get in touch with his feelings and
isn't open to exploring them, it's a text-book case of
I don't mean that he can't share feelings or some
level of intimacy with you...
In fact, I'm sure he still likes to connect with
you when things are easy-going and he's not feeling
"pressure" around you.
But your ex sharing his feelings with you can
easily confuse you into thinking that he is potentially
the right guy and ready for a long term relationship.
I'm sure you've seen this since you've been back
and forth with him. But when a guy is unavailable,
he has a fear of getting deeper into a relationship
that he knows he's not ready for.
In his own way he's tried to tell you this several
Here's what he's saying:
Yes, I have "feelings" for you.
And no... that doesn't mean I want to be in a
relationship with you and be faithful.
Take some time to think about the past with your
ex, and then compare that to what will honestly
make YOU happy, and what kind of relationship you
want in your future.
If you're honest about it with yourself, I don't
think he'll fit well into that based on his actions
Put more value on his actions, not his words.
Get back to the things that you enjoy, the places
you like to go and avoid places or things you used to
do or see with your ex.
Spend some time with your friends and give yourself
the space you deserve.
The less you talk about your ex and this situation for
now, the better off you'll be.
And I think you'll be amazed at the results.
First, I think you'll just plain old feel better.
But even better than that, you'll be breaking the
old connection that you had with your "x".
And as counterintuitive as it sounds, breaking
out of your old connection is actually the thing
that's going to change the situation for you the most
and help get you the results you want.
Right now, your convincing him and your wanting him
back, even when he's with another woman, is making you
come off in all kinds of ways that men just don't respond
I know it seems like the best idea to keep trying
to stay in touch with him and keep the connection
But the truth is that you're just keeping this same
old situation alive by pumping your time and attention
If instead, you step back and stop chasing him or
trying to convince him you're the right woman, you'll
have an opportunity to do something that can honestly
be ATTRACTIVE to him.
You first leave a space that he'll not recognize
and not understand, which will first get him thinking
about you and then wondering why you aren't acting the
way you used to.
Men love "new" things and curiosities.
Plus, you'll also be able to give him the space
he's tried asking you for in his retarded emotionally
Something funny happens when a man gets the space
he asked for.
If you do it in the right way, he's forced to deal
with himself and his own feelings to figure out that
all the things he is worried about, afraid of, fearful
of "committing to", etc.
And being by himself, he'll see that these things
are really just in his own mind - and not bad things
In other words - he won't keep taking all the old
"stuff" from the past that wasn't working and keep
identifying it with YOU.
But you've got to know the way to "re-wire" the
connection once you've broken the old one.
And if you can do this, I guarantee he'll come
calling wondering about you.
In my ebook, "Catch Him And Keep Him", I spell
out specific ways to communicate with men that will
help you build that new connection.
There are several psychological and behavioral
"keys" that will help to open a man up.
And just as important, they will make him feel
that electric spark of ATTRACTION with you again.
I'm talking about the kind of attraction that
gets a guy feeling, at a deep level, that he wants to
be with you right now AND far into the future.
This goes for the "unavailable" guys too that seem
to keep withdrawing and don't communicate much about
their feelings or what they want.
These guys are the toughest ones.
If there's just ONE PIECE OF ADVICE that holds more
power for women than any other when it comes to men, it's
this concept of only dating emotionally available men.
In my ebook, I also talk about how to identify good
men from the "unavailable" ones.
If you're dating, wouldn't it be great to know what
kind of guy you're dealing with FROM THE START?
And if you think you've already got an unavailable guy
on your hands, and you're wondering what you can do after
all the frustrating disappointments that have gone on...
There's AN ENTIRE SECTION of the book dedicated to
helping you both understand the emotional world of a
man (yikes, right!) and how to lead him to a better way
of being with and understanding you.
So make the choice to do something about your love-life and create the situation you want in your life.
Go check out my ebook now.
You can download it and be reading it in just a
couple of minutes.
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Thanks and best of luck in life and love.
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Copyright materials used by permission.